Till it hurts (Steve x Reader) - Part 7

Your 'first' mission together with Steve, 2015 - Inside a HYDRA base


'Okay, everyone, listen up,' Steve spoke, his voice echoing through the Avengers jet. 'This is the plan...'

It had been several weeks since you had watched the 'Goodbye' video. You still thought it must be a fake and even though List had advised you to not interact with the Avengers if it wasn't necessary (it could blow your cover), you had emerged yourself in their group and pretended you were remembering things. In fact being their friend again.

You were playing the game.

Today was your first mission together with Steve, Natasha and Sam. You were headed towards the HYDRA base, where Steve had once almost killed you, to retrieve the information they had left behind that day. You didn’t know what to expect. For some reason that made you nervous.

List had told you about what happened after you had lost most of your memories and how the great Captain America had left you for dead while planning to blow up the whole compound. List had been able to stop both things from happening, but what if you were only here so that Steve could finish the job? You had been playing him to your best abilities - thinking you were winning the game - but what if Steve was just simply a better player? A better liar? You'd be dead before nightfall if that were the case.

'[Name], are you ready?' Steve asked you, waking you from your thoughts, once he was done walking everyone through the plan a final time.

As the computer specialist, you were supposed to get into the control room and hack into the HYDRA systems to give Sam and Natasha access to all the rooms in the building. Steve would cover you, buying enough time for you to collect as much intel as you could. It was a good plan. If it hadn't been for you telling List about it.

You nodded at Steve. 'Let's go.'

The jet landed several miles from the HYDRA base and once the bridge was down, you all started running. You could feel a gush of wind and looked over your shoulder, seeing the empty jet flying itself out of view and back into the sky, where it almost seemed to disappear as it activated it reflector panels.

It didn’t take you long to reach the large compound. It was still early in the morning and an hour from sunrise. With your all-black suits it was impossible for the guards stationed at the gates to notice you. Steve positioned himself with his back against the large metal fence and folded his hands together, gesturing you should climb over it with his help.

You nodded, running towards him and jumping into his hands feet first (as you had practiced numerous of times back at the Avenger’s headquarters), immediately feeling the upward motion he gave you as he raised you in the air quickly. You flipped over the fence and landed gracefully on the other side. In the shimmering dark of the retreating night you could see Natasha doing the same. Steve helped Sam get over as well and was soon by your side again as he pulled himself up easily.

He signaled towards Natasha and Sam that they should be headed West, while you started to make your way South, where the control room was situated.

‘Come on,’ Steve whispered, getting his shield from his back. ‘We only have a limited time window.’

You nodded again, following him as he started running towards the large building in front of you, making sure to stay in the shadows. You could feel the adrenaline surging through your veins, somehow feeling the familiarity of the warm sweat covering your skin like a blanket and the rapid, strong beating of your heart.

You had done this before. But when or where, or with whom… You had no idea.

You soon realized you and Steve made a great team, and that scared you. Your body seemed to know what to do before your head did. You could anticipate his every move. And it seemed it was the same for him. You were completely attuned to each other: when he moved, you moved. You could see it gave him hope. Hope that you would eventually become the same girl he had fallen in love with. But you knew it was all just an act. He had been trained for this.

And so were you… (at least, that was what you told yourself. You didn’t dare to think about the alternative)

You made your way inside the base with ease, taking out the two HYDRA agents stationed at the back entrance of the building together. They would be unconscious for at least several hours. You followed Steve as he started to make his way through the maze of hallways. He reported back to Natasha and Sam, telling them to be ready for when you were in the control room and gave them the signal to enter all the rooms without setting off the alarms.

You hid behind a wall when a group of agents emerged from one of the sleeping quarters and Steve put his finger to his lips, telling you to be quiet. He pointed out in front of him. You followed his gaze towards a large door and nodded, realizing the room behind it must be where the controls where.

‘You’ve got five minutes,’ he whispered seriously. ‘I’ll join Natasha and Sam at the weapons room to carry them all out. Five minutes,’ he repeated, nodding in the direction of the door.

You looked around you a final time, letting your hand rest on the handle of your gun, before you made a run for the control room. You could hear Steve let out a relieved sigh when you made it to the room safely. You gave him a slight smile before focusing your attention on the door and giving yourself quick access with the code List had given you. You could have also easily hacked into it, but List didn’t want to waste the lives of his men by letting the Avengers have free reign. You didn’t really care. As long as it got the job done.

According to List there were only three men stationed in the control rooms at all times. You were able to take out the first one easily. You slammed the door against his face and pressed your thumb in the soft spot on his neck that made him crumble beside you like a ragdoll.

The other two men sitting behind the computers and looking at the security footage seemed utterly surprised as the door clicked shut and their colleague dropped to the floor. Before they could sound the alarm you threw a smoke grenade their way, covering your own nose and mouth while they breathed in the sleeping drug. When they had slumped over their desks, you walked over to one of them and pulled him from his seat. You reached for the little USB drive in your pocket, connecting it with the large computers in the control rooms. You took in a deep breath, looking up at the screens and started typing in all kinds of commands.

Within a minute you had hacked into the HYDRA security system. You opened all the doors and continued to hack into the other systems. You watched the security footage of the base, seeing Sam and Natasha making their way through a small group of agents that blocked their way to the weapons room. You smiled, knowing most of the high-tech weapons had already been removed before you even got here. List was a smart man. He left just enough information for you to find and keep your cover, without giving the Avengers more insight than they already had.

You focused your eyes on the screen in front of you again, reading all the commands you had typed in quickly and clicked enter, retrieving the information you were to give Fury and frying all the systems, leaving nothing but smoking computers.

You watched the security cameras again, seeing Steve running through the hallways, hiding behind cabinets or walls every time an agent came his way. He used his shield only several times and you could feel a small smile curl your lips as you saw the super soldier make his way through the building. He was good at this. They all were. And you could be one of them. If you wanted to…

You quickly shook that thought from your head, thinking about all the bad things they had done and all the pain they had caused. They proclaimed to be heroes, but they their hands were far from clean. They were the enemy. You had to remember that.

You pushed yourself from the chair, carefully putting the small drive back in a pocket on your suit. You stepped over the sleeping HYDRA agent you had pulled from his chair and headed for the door. You looked up at the security footage a final time, seeing the images change towards different cameras scattered across the whole building.

You frowned, seeing a small room on one of the images and you squinted your eyes, thinking it looked familiar, even though you had no memories of it and only knew about the things List had told you. The room was filled with equipment you had never seen before. A large chair stood in the middle, with a tray of various tools attached to it. A weird feeling crept into your bones and you swallowed hard as a shiver went down your spine.

You will tell me all you know about the Avengers, it sounded in your head as you envisioned yourself strapped to that chair, desperately trying to get out.

The hell I will!

You imagined a condescending and amused smile creeping onto List face as he picked up one of the tools and gestured one of his men to step forward.

Yes, you will, miss [Last Name]. Yes, you will...

You could still feel the sharp pain of knife going into your shoulder and a tear left the corner of your eye. You touched the circular scar on your shoulder underneath your suit, of where List's agent had slammed the knife in and had twisted long enough for you to pass out. A scar List had told you had been caused by Steve.

The sounds of your own desperate and agonizing cries echoed in your head.

The scene kept repeating before your eyes and you realized it was the first thing you remembered – truly remembered – after List had saved you from this compound. How could it be so different from what the Doctor had told you? Was your mind playing tricks on you? Was List right and had you started to believe what the Avengers had been telling you for the past several weeks? Or, maybe – just maybe – he been lying to you from the start...

You were awoken from your thoughts when you felt a sudden movement behind you. You quickly turned around, reaching for your gun. Something hard was slammed into your stomach and you were knocked back, gasping for air as you hit the ground with a thud. A broad-shouldered HYDRA agent latched out to you with a knife and you were on your feet only just in time to avoid your right eye being stabbed out.

‘You should have died the first time, Avengers’ bitch!’ he exclaimed, before storming towards you again, his face covered in an angry frown.

‘Wait, I’m on your side!’ you yelled, ducking from his grasp. His knife graced your cheek and you could feel the stinging pain of the cut as the blood started welling from the wound.

‘Fuck you!’ he cried out, throwing the large knife towards your head.

Luckily for you he had a bad aim and the knife landed a few feet away from you. You sighed, shaking your head. You took the gun from your belt and raised it towards him.

‘Hail HYDRA,’ he whispered, just before you pulled the trigger.

His lifeless body dropped to the floor, a smile still covering his lips. You started at him for several seconds, feeling the warmth of your own blood drip down your cheek. You were confused. Angry even. Where these the men working for List? Was this the real HYDRA?

'[Name], are you alright?' someone called out for you worriedly.

You turned your head, seeing Steve running into the control room.

‘I heard shots,’ he continued, looking around the room and finding all men lying on the floor (but only one of them was truly dead). Several large weapons were hanging over his shoulders and you knew he had taken a lot of risk by coming back for you.

'I'm fine,' you replied, wiping the blood from your face and staring at the warm, sticky liquid on your fingers.

Steve reached out to you, looking at the cut on your cheek and touching the sore skin slightly. ‘Are you sure?’

You nodded, almost feeling yourself tremble by his sudden, soft touch. ‘I have the information. Let’s go.’

Steve nodded, slowly lowering his hand and signaling you should walk out in front of him. You led him back out of the base quickly, making sure none of the HYDRA agents spotted you. As you walked out, you could see Natasha and Sam running ahead of you, making the most of the coming dawn and helping each other over the fence.

‘Quickly,’ Steve said, slamming himself against the fence and holding out his arms again.

You jumped up, climbing over the fence and catching Steve as he jumped over as well. You could hear the alarms go off in the distance and Steve smiled, looking down at you.

‘Just in time,’ he panted. ‘Come one. The jet will be waiting.’

You gave him a small smile back, running after him as he made his way back to the forest. You looked over your shoulder, seeing the big, bright lights go on all over the compound. But it was already too late. Within several minutes you’d be out of here and on your way back to the Avengers headquarters. The commander of the base would call List a minute later, telling him you stole valuable information. List in turn would only laugh, an amusing smile plastered on his face...

When you were back in New York again, you helped get all the confiscated weapons towards the lab. They would be analyzed and stored somewhere safe. You would later tell List where that was exactly. You gave Fury the information you had downloaded from the HYDRA systems and when Doctor Cho had patched you up, you decided to take a stroll around the headquarters and see the sunrise Steve had been talking about.

You made your way outside and walked up the hill, seeing Steve already standing next to one of the trees, leaning against the bark, his hands folded underneath his armpits. You could feel him watching you making your way up to him, but you didn’t speak until you were face to face and you could look him in the eye.

‘Hey,’ he smiled, keeping his arms folded. 'Have you come to see the sunrise?'

'I hear it's really nice up here,' you spoke softly, taking your position next to him as the sun slowly peeked through the woods, spreading an almost magical glow over the whole compound.

'[Name], can I ask you something?' Steve asked hesitantly, looking down at you, his face covered in a serious frown.

'Sure, anything.'

'In these past few weeks... Did you truly remember the things I told you about.'

You swallowed hard, averting your eyes from him. You could tell he already knew the answer to that question and from the corner of your eyes you could see him nod slowly.

'Steve...' you sighed. 'I'm not the same person you left behind. I want to remember, but I don't know if I ever will… I-I'm sorry.

Steve nodded, smiling sadly, his serious frown turning into one of regret. 'Don't be sorry. You are right. The [Name] I knew might never come back. I need to accept that,' he sighed, letting the silence linger between you, 'but I still love you and I know you love me too... Or at least you did, at some point. I can't let that go.’

Now it was your time to nod.

‘I don’t expect you to fall in love with me again so soon, but all I’m asking for is a chance.’

‘Steve, I don’t know,’ you mumbled. List had told you to play along with Steve’s emotions and get him to trust you, but somehow, now that you were in that moment, it didn’t feel right. You had to tell him the truth. Or at least parts of it. ‘I don’t even know what I’m supposed to remember… Who I’m supposed to be. Do you really want to wait for someone who might never love you again?’

‘I will gladly give you all the time and space you need to figure out who you are,’ Steve answered, taking your hands in his and staring into your eyes, trying to find some of the old you he thought he saw sometimes, ‘but don't ask me to forget about you, because I can't. I won't...'

You swallowed hard, seeing the tears glisten in his eyes. It almost seemed like he truly cared about you. And you were almost inclined to believe him. You turned your gaze from him and instead looked down at your hands in his. You fidgeted with your fingers and bit your lip. Why did he have to be so convincing?

You heard Steve take in a deep breath and you followed his eyes towards the horizon where the sun slowly rose towards the sky.

'If I would get a dollar for every time someone I love lost their memories...' he whispered, sighing again, staring pensively into the sunrise.

'You'd have what?' you asked, your eyebrows turning up into a wondering frown.

'Well... I'd have three dollars, I guess,' he laughed softly, a small smile curling his lips as the lights of the nearing day and the shadows of the retreating night danced on his face.

You didn't think he had ever looked more handsome than in this moment.

You chuckled, which made Steve turn his face towards you again. You hadn't laughed - genuinely laughed - ever since you had awoken in the HYDRA base in the Arctic, deprived of most of your memories, and you knew Steve could hear it.

'[Name], I...'

Without thinking about it you took a step closer and pressed a kiss on his lips, silencing him. You felt his surprise by the sudden tension in his body, but soon his strong arms closed around you and pressed you tightly against him. You let your fingers go through his hair and you felt a hollow, tingling sensation spread through your stomach as Steve kissed you even more passionately than inside the HYDRA base nearly two months ago.

You could feel the love he had for you. Real love. Not faked...

You quickly pushed yourself from his tight embrace, feeling emotions you didn’t know you had, raging through your body. Your head told you he was the enemy. That he had betrayed you and left you for dead. But your heart and body told you he was anything but that. What you had made him believe for the past few weeks was exactly what you were feeling right now.

‘Is something wrong?’ Steve asked worriedly, still holding you in his arms as you felt the tears sting in your eyes and your stomach turn. ‘Did-Did I do something wrong?’

You swallowed hard, thinking about everything doctor List had told you about the Captain and all the memories you no longer had, but haunted you in your dreams. What if Steve was telling the truth? What if you were his friend? What if… What if you had truly loved him?

You shook your head, stepping away from him. 'I-I need to go… I’m sorry.’

You walked away quickly, feeling a weird sensation spread through your body as goose bumps covered your skin. Memories you thought weren't yours started to flood your mind; good memories, happy memories. You could feel your head turn heavy as you realized you didn't know who to trust anymore. You couldn't even trust your own mind. You took in shallow breaths quickly while the world was spinning before your eyes. Black spots circled up and down in your vision as everything started to make sense to you.

You were not who you thought you were.

No one was…

You could hear Steve call out your name, but before you could answer, you blacked out.


TO BE CONTINUED...